first season a big success...and relief...!
 
I am absolutely wrapped. The sheer panic I was feeling before the debut performance of “cultural time bomb” was quite extraordinary. I really don’t remember the last time I felt nerves quite as overwhelming as I did before the first performance. Nerves of course are very natural, and I would even say...for myself anyway...rather an important part. I become rather concerned if I’m not nervous actually. But this time, I definitely experienced something far more impacting than the butterflies in the stomach. This time it was more along the lines of mild panic. A number of things could have attributed to this of course. Firstly, although family and friends will love me whether I fall flat on my face or give the performance of a lifetime, it goes without saying that they are also the opinions I value most, and therefore feel rather anxious that they respect and enjoy my work. Secondly, it is the first time in a couple of years where I have felt solely responsible for the shows outcome because I was performing solo (although I must add that I have more than an accomplished pianist in my show. Nicholas McMahon is a damned fine performer in his own right, and definitely aids me in a few scenes during the course of the show). However, it has been a while since I have felt such a pressure to make a show work than I did during this first season. And finally, and perhaps most importantly, I reckon the most probable cause for my panic, was due to the subject matter. I was walking a very fine line the entire time in dealing with the delicacy of gang rape. I always knew that it would be a subject of controversy, and I was completely responsible for it because it was written by me. Therefore, if people were offended, or hated it or absolutely permanently scarred by it, then I was the only one to blame because they were my words, nobody elses. The whole time I was writing this piece, I was practicing a balancing game. I never wanted to water the subject matter down, but I also didn’t want to lecture people. I wanted to give an objective account of a number of issues, and when it came down to it, I really had no idea whether I had succeeded with this or not. My director, Amanda Mouellic was a gem to work with. She intuitively understood what it was I was trying to achieve, and remained the objective and creative eye over my developments, helping me make moments fit together in the best possible way. However, neither one of us could really tell how audiences would respond. I knew cabaret was a wonderful medium in which to explore this subject...who said cabaret always has to be light...but it can also mean that audiences can have a preconceived idea about what they are going to witness. It was therefore so exciting, not to mention a HUGE relief when the first show was over. However, I was unprepared for the positive response that would also follow. People wanted to talk about gang rape afterwards, and they were affected but not overwhelmed by it. Men did not feel like they were the bad guys...which was so wonderful...and it really opened up a wonderful analysis between the cultures of race, sport and gender, for all of us to chat about afterwards. My desires had always been to create a forum where people felt they could discuss and that is exactly what happened during the course of the run. And to top it all off, another season is going to occur at the very fantastic Butterfly Club from May 3rd to May 6th. It means I can have a little rest and then make some adjustments with Mandy, before the next season. I have never felt more fulfilled rejuvinated and excited about a project, and so although the fear is greater, the sense of reward equals if not surpasses the fear. I can’t wait to see where his journey takes me next. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, 3 April 2007
first season a big success